In your opinion how do you view yourself?

wasted fucking potential.
it’s not like i lacked the awareness of what i was doing to myself, but moreso the fact that i willingly sat by the sidelines and laughed, claiming it was all just good ‘satire’ and that none of it mattered.

when in actuality, i was just being an entirely irresponsible, shitty human being. i’m pretty done with pinning excuses down on society, on whatever disorder, or stupid bullshit reason so i can coddle myself or feel better about it. no, that shit still fucking happened, and it isn’t society that is to blame, or some mediocre laundry list of disorders you self-diagnosed and subscribed yourself to, but you.

and it’s not about having a magical key that suddenly elucidates you, or being able to ‘fix’ anything. it’s about understanding why and then learning to equip yourself with the tools to deal with it in a constructive and honest manner. at the end of the day, you can choose to be a weak shit human being or you can fucking fight.

and that is where i am right now.


bad decision making must be the reason i’ve been getting slight heart murmurs and dry heaving.
however, like most, it was due to a unforeseen negligence.
that still does not make it any more right.

although, somehow, my circadian rhythm has managed to regulate itself.
lab ended and finals start in two weeks.
the idea of being liberated from course work is enthralling.

I am swearing off of love because everything inside of me
is oil and vinegar and I no longer believe that it’s morally correct
to fall in love with the intent of both destroying and rebuilding
another human being. I am a forest fire and an ocean, and
my favorite color is the same as the color that hurts me the most.

Shinji Moon (via rabbrakha)